The Tube

As anyone who has travelled on the London underground (and can loosely be termed as normal) can confirm, our fellow travellers are a mixed bunch. A wide slice of life can be seen in every journey and sometimes more than we thought possible is exhibited in front of us.

Every day seems to bring a variety of different people and some you cannot feckin believe.

There is the guy who sketches people, every morning. The young Asian guy who wears two jackets that don't match the trousers, a tightly bound scarf around his neck and a woolly hat jammed on his head, right over the ears. Even on days when the tube is baking and packed, he is there with that gear on. Every feckin day. He also has a huge nose, which is odd under the jammed hat and tightly bound scarf, a bit like The Shard walking at an angle.

There is the seg wearing civil servant in his double breasted suit and brogues, the strange guy in the Indiana Jones hat who goofily waves bye bye to his girlfriend every morning as they get off at different stops in a ritualistic fashion that although is sweet, it's also a bit creepy. In a male friends holding hands sort of way.

There is Bignose, The Chinless Wonder, The Ape, The Goboff, Cherie Blair and I even saw Fake Jim's Dad from American Pie today. There are so many nutters that share my trip most days that they are almost like the creepy aunt at the family party who's trying to feel you up.....or uncle if you really are unfortunate.

The most surreal trip I ever had on the tube started at Waterloo on the Bakerloo line. It was a nice day and I managed to leave a bit early, which is always pleasant. It wasn't busy below ground and as the train arrived, I got on at the front of the carriage. I sat down with relief at going home and became aware of my passengers. Across from me was a real live Thai LadyBoy, beautifully dressed and very elegant, quite striking in fact. Further down on the opposite side was a Chinese couple, the girl with a very short skirt and the two of them giggling away, obviously thinking about getting back to the hotel and having the best three minutes of their lives.

I can live with that, there have been worse seen on the trains.

Then, at Charing Cross, a young Lesley Crowther got on and sat opposite and was peering around at every one. At that point, I wondered just what I was getting into here, thinking that it was a memorable journey and that was that.

Was it feck.

On walked a Inspector Cluseau at Piccadilly Circus, resplendent in 70s coat, tweed Trilby hat and huge 70s glasses that were slightly tinted. They covered half his frickin face. He sat right next to me, jammed up against me, easing himself down by sticking his voluminous backside onto the top of the backrest and slid into place - itchy butt, perchance or just a liberal dose of freaky?

It was at that moment I looked around for the cameras as I thought that someone was taking the piss. A nice day weather wise, on a tube train with a scantily clad LadyBoy, a randy Chinese couple, a young Lesley Crowther and to top it all off, an over familiar Inspector Cluseau dressed for height of winter.

If anyone doubts it, you can't make this up.

They walk among us................