Announcements

For those who travel regularly, you'll know that most train station announcements are automated and pre-recorded, which means you can understand everything that is being said clearly with each perfect annunciation.

So, imagine my surprise and amusement when this little gem shattered the airwaves at the train station, shouted in bored fashion by a female Oxfordshire voice, "Everyone check their tickets as there is a return portion to London been left here".

Where here was located was left unsaid, so as we guessed it was the ticket office, everyone had their eyes glued on who the unfortunate person might be, but to no avail.

Hope they got their ticket.

A different day, there was another cracker on the train itself. Getting on the train, you normally hear the driver telling you where we're going just in case we forget but this day, not a bit of it. "No bikes are allowed on board on a Monday morning. Please remove the bike from the train."

Then a few minutes later, "No bikes. Yes, I mean you. You will need to leave the train."

Smiles on the faces all around and although we couldn't see the transgressor, I personally hoped it as was one those MAMIL twats who seem to be the most deranged human beings and personify everything that is Daily Mail. Get off the train, you fluorescent gnome and be outraged on the platform at yet another driver's vindictive action is proof of their psychosis.

Sweet.

Then, heard another gem at Marylebone when trying to get home last night, "Erm...apologies ladies & gentlemen for the lateness of arrival of trains tonight as this is due to erm a.....erm....faulty train earlier which is causing trains arriving to be delayed....as well as trains departing.....erm......due to the faulty train earlier. Apologies for any convenience <yes, he said convenience> caused due to trains arriving late here at Marylebone.....as well as departing".

Never give an eejit a microphone.

The big exception is London Underground who have platform announcers who in the main are very good as well as drivers who are usually clear and to the point. Once in a while, they produce some gems and other days are just downright annoying.

Like the driver who droned on and on about the escalator outage at Baker Street, even after we'd passed it and then started on about the delay due to a defective train earlier. Without stopping. From Marylebone to Waterloo.

The relentless prick.

Or the Indian guy at Baker Street who no-one can understand. Or the guy with the street voice making an announcement about the service levels and just barely contained himself from adding 'Innit?'

They had Boris welcoming us to London as well on the tube, which was most disconcerting and had me looking for prick just in case he was on the platform. Never found him though.

This morning on the Jubilee line, a station announcer with a very chirpy voice perked up with the usual "Let customers off the train first before boarding" delivered in a very enthusiastic style in an extremely well delivered and infectious smiley tone. "This train is for STANMORE!" she shouts.

The driver's intercom clicked on immediately and he just shouted "YAY!", which had me pissing myself at the comic timing and the two announcers were dissolving in laughter too, trying to hold it together. Looking around, a lot of people were laughing and smiling at this - it fair gave me a lift in the morning.

More of the laughter please as it reminds us that we are all human. Sometimes, it's great to remember that some good people do walk among us.