Guide to being an annoying prick while commuting.........

For those of you reading this who are normal, here is a guide to be the most annoying prick while commuting. While I've set this by train, the same could be said when going by bus.

For the record, all of this happens to me most days and happened to me today.

1. When approaching a near empty train platform, find someone and stand very close to them, preferably just behind them in their blind spot when no other fucker is on the platform.
2. For maximum effect, walk in front of the mark every so often and stand directly in front of them.
3. Even though the train is on time, take your phone out, check the time and glare down the track to see if the train is coming, while all the time dancing near the mark.
4. Stand in front of mark again, just to get them going.
5. Ask the mark if the train will be rammed and if you will get a seat or not.
6. Push your way onto train first.
7. While people are trying to sit on train, take your time to put your bag on the rack, take your jacket off, put it on the rack, take jacket off the rack, take articles out of pockets, put jacket back, fanny about a bit more, notice people waiting on you getting the fuck out of the way so they can sit down and smile that gormless grin again.
8. Sit near or next to the mark and grin at them every so often in that gormless fashion.
9. When the bing bong of the driver's announcement is heard, jump up as if you are Rocky and block the feckin aisle again.
10. Stand with arse positioned in the mark's face.
11. Walk closely to the mark to the barriers.
12. When getting on tube, repeat steps 2,3,4 & 6.
13. Stand in doorway, especially while pulling a stupid arsed bastard of a rolling case after the mark has had the good manners to allow to embark first. Just stand there in the doorway and when mark goes past you, say in an upper class twat voice 'Sorry!' followed by 'I am sorry!'
14. When good looking girl gets on, stand between her and the mark, shoving your arm in her face obscuring the view. If that doesn't work, take a freebie newspaper and put it in her face to achieve maximum annoyance.
15. On changing tube trains, hover by the door with a gormless look, no grin and act like you are terrified by the very fact that you are out in the world......and block the door.
16. While boarding next train, make sure you have the world's biggest and most awkward backpack on and barge your way on the train.
17. Stand in the doorway to block the way out at the next station.
18. Have goofy look on your stoopid gizzard.
19. Form a rolling roadblock with other members of the Fuckwits' union (FU) as you go upstairs to cause maximum annoyance.
20. Limp in unison as fall about in slow motion.
21. Push your way into the queue at the escalators.
22. Change your mind part way up and walk up the escalator.....then stop.
23. Get to barrier, fiddle for your card at the slowest fucking pace known to man. Have ticket rejected. Try to force barrier. Fail. Try again, several times. Look daft but don't move from the barrier. Get upset when staff try to help
24. Once through the barriers, walk as slowly as possible in the area of traffic flow just to be a twat.
25. Tut as people go past you.
26. When getting on train home, sit next to the tired guy and talk loudly with your friend about fuck all of any consequence, horses and riders who even your friend doesn't know.
27. Get worried that the train manager will charge you £1000 for not having the right ticket.
28. Almost cry when he charges you £11.50.
29. Engage people around you, even tired guy, to show your relief you haven't been raped by the train manager and driver for not having the right ticket.
30. When leaving train, run like a spanner to your car, right up the backside of others, so that you can get out one car space earlier.

As said, this all happened to me today. Take care out there as they walk among us......and bug the shite out of every normal person out there.